Strengthen Yourself In The Lord: What to do in the face of grief, disappointment, rejection, and unfulfilled dreams

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but dreams fulfilled is the tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12

Often this verse is read in such a way that unfulfilled dreams is what makes the heart sick, but in reality, this verse refers to hope being deferred as what makes the heart sick.  When we lose hope for the dreams that are in our heart, our heart gets sick. 

I love looking in the Greek and Hebrew definitions of words in the Bible.  If we look into the word “hope” in this passage we find that the Hebrew word used here is “towcheleth” which means hope and expectation, and it comes from the root word “yachal” which means to wait, hope, and expect.  When our hope and expectation is quenched, put off, or snuffed out, this is when our heart gets sick.  It is not the actual loss of the dream; it is that we stop hoping for it.

The word “dreams” in this passage is the word “ta’avah” in Hebrew, and it means desire, wish, and longings of one’s heart.  It comes from the root word “‘avah”, which means desire, incline, covet, wait longingly, wish, sigh, want, be greedy, prefer, or lust after.

Basically, I have hope for specific desires to be fulfilled.  I have hope that my desire for a husband will be fulfilled.  When I lose hope, my heart gets sick.  When I find my husband, it is like a tree of life.

So how do we maintain our hope when circumstances seem to dictate that our dreams are unlikely?

Let’s take a look at Joseph’s life:

Then Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more.  He said to them, “Please listen to this dream which I have had; for behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and lo, my sheaf rose up and also stood erect; and behold, your sheaves gathered around and bowed down to my sheaf.” Then his brothers said to him, “Are you actually going to reign over us? Or are you really going to rule over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.

Now he had still another dream, and related it to his brothers, and said, “Lo, I have had still another dream; and behold, the sun and the moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.”  He related it to his father and to his brothers; and his father rebuked him and said to him, “What is this dream that you have had? Shall I and your mother and your brothers actually come to bow ourselves down before you to the ground?”

- Genesis 37:5-11

Joseph did not see the fulfillment of his dream for 20 years; during which time his brothers threw him in a pit to die, he was sold into slavery, falsely accused, and sent to prison.

King David also has a story of his destiny being delayed:

Now the Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you grieve over Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and go; I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have selected a king for Myself among his sons.”…

And Samuel said to Jesse, “Are these all the children?” And he said, “There remains yet the youngest, and behold, he is tending the sheep.” Then Samuel said to Jesse, “Send and bring him; for we will not sit down until he comes here.”

So he sent and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, with beautiful eyes and a handsome appearance. And the Lord said, “Arise, anoint him; for this is he.” Then Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the midst of his brothers; and the Spirit of the Lord came mightily upon David from that day forward.

-  1 Samuel 16: 1, 11-13

David did not assume the throne for another 10-13 years; during which time he was hunted, persecuted, and rejected by those closest to him.

So the question becomes:  How did they endure?  How did they keep their hope up?

“Moreover David was greatly distressed because the people spoke of stoning him, for all the people were embittered, each one because of his sons and his daughters.  But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” – 1 Samuel 30:6

We as humans find ourselves in this tension every day.  We have been given a promise, a prophetic word, dreams, and desires, but we have run into obstacles, disappointment, rejection, loss, and failure.  How do we respond to such circumstances?

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

All the issues of our lives flow forth like rivers from one central location – the heart – and what we do in stewarding that one place determines the outcome of our lives.  Strengthening ourselves in the Lord, just as Kind David did, is an essential part of stewarding our heart.  Often when our heart feels pain and disappointment, they are warning lights to let us know how we are doing and that we need maintenance.  Similar to a check engine light, when that signal comes on, we need to go to the mechanic to check and see what is going on. 

Strengthening ourselves in the Lord becomes calculated responses to the warning lights of my heart.  The only way I can use the tools of strengthening myself in the Lord is to establish foundational truths in my thinking – truth about the nature of reality, who God is, and who He has made me to be.  These truths help me identify my heart signals.  I love the saying, “If there is any area in my life that is not glistening with hope, I am believing a lie about God or who God has made me to be.”  Any heart signal that does not align with glistening hope is a warning signal. 

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he… “ – Proverbs 23:7

Identify the Problem

The first step in this process of strengthening yourself in the Lord is to identify the problem.  What heart signals are going off?  What are you feeling?

Anxiety

Fear

Grief/Sadness

Anger

Frustration

Hopelessness

Despair

What is the root cause of these emotions? What happened? 

Difficulty

Hardship

Rejection

Loss

Failure

Bill Johnson, in his book Strengthen Yourself in the Lord, brings a balanced perspective on identifying the problem, but then moving forward:

One of the primary ways that many believers need to be renewed in their perspective is by getting rid of the idea that intentionally ignoring the problems around them, and even within them, in order to give God praise and thanks, is irresponsible… Believers often fall into the trap of thinking they can find a solution by looking at a problem from every angle and letting it consume their world.  But what happens is that the affections of their heart get drawn away from the Lord, to the point that they care more about the problem than giving Him what He deserves. They are letting other voices speak louder than His, and that is always irresponsible.

I have learned to ignore problems just enough so they don’t become a threat to the affections of my heart.  I know I’m not being irresponsible because God has promised me over and over that if I am faithful to be who He has called me to be, especially as a worshipper, He is more than happy to bring the solutions.  This does not mean you’re not to give attention to problems – but we need to address them from God’s perspective.

Meditate on God’s Nature & Character

Once we have identified the problem, the next step in strengthening yourself in the Lord is to meditate on God’s nature and character.  As mentioned before, the only way you can use the tools of strengthening yourself in the Lord is to establish foundational truths in your thinking – truth about the nature of reality, who God is, and who He has made me to be.  Some great verses to get you started are Psalm 103, Psalm 23, and John 17:13-26.  God is good, God is all-powerful, and God loves you like crazy.  I know I have to be reminded of this quite often in order to keep my perspective straight.

Keeping the Testimony

Another piece of strengthening yourself in the Lord is meditating on the fulfilled promises of God.  This applies to your own life, the promises fulfilled in the Bible, and also promises fulfilled in other people’s lives.  This will produce a heart of gratitude and thankfulness. 

Another Kingdom principle is, “The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy” (Revelation 19:10).  This means that what God has done before, He can do again.  Meditating on what He has done will increase your faith for what He will do again.  Also, keeping the testimony reminds us of God’s nature and character, reinforcing the truths we need to find strength in the Lord.  Failing to keep the testimony not only makes us forget who God is, but who we are.  The people of Israel in the Old Testament fell into this trap and we see the consequences over and over again.

Gratitude & Thankfulness

Strengthening yourself in the Lord has to include gratitude and thankfulness.

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” -James 1:2-4

Scripture challenges us not only to rejoice when we have joy, but also to rejoice in our pursuit of joy.  There are countless studies that reinforce the fact that gratitude makes us healthier.  In one study on gratitude, conducted by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., at the University of California at Davis and his colleague Mike McCullough at the University of Miami, randomly assigned participants were given one of three tasks. Each week, participants kept a short journal. One group briefly described five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week, another five recorded daily hassles from the previous week that displeased them, and the neutral group was asked to list five events or circumstances that affected them, but they were not told whether to focus on the positive or on the negative. Ten weeks later, participants in the gratitude group felt better about their lives as a whole and were a full 25 percent happier than the hassled group. They reported fewer health complaints, and exercised an average of 1.5 hours more.  This study alone should demonstrate the power of gratitude and thankfulness.

Meditating on Your Identity

Establishing truths in your thought process about who you are will allow you to strengthen yourself in the Lord because God has the final word on defining your identity.

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.” - Ephesians 1:3-5

Check out the following verses to continue meditating on how God sees you:

Ephesians 2:6-10

1 Corinthians 3:16-17

1 Corinthians 6:11

2 Corinthians 5:17-21

Rarely in this world are we affirmed for our intrinsic value and worth because God created us and loves us.  We are bombarded constantly with why we are not enough, why we don’t measure up, and have reason to question our value and worth.  Meditating on your identity in Christ sets you free from the lies of the world that would tell you anything other than what God thinks about you.

Engaging with Covenant Community

Covenant is an interesting word.  Ultimately it is an agreement of obligations between two or more parties.  The benefits of Biblical covenant is love, honor, exchange of life, refreshment in our connection to our purpose and identity, vision renewed, calling us back to who we are in Christ, and the hope, promises, and joy in covenant are infectious.  Bill Johnson makes an interesting proposition:

The standard we set for our ears can attract heavenly strength that comes through interactions with other people who speak and live from a heavenly perspective. Therefore, by purposefully associating with people who share our values and controlling our interactions with people who don't, we strengthen ourselves.

Covenant establishes an agreement that allows the spiritual reality that governs your life to flow to the other person, and vice versa. This is why it is so vital to develop friendships with people whose lives consistently display the fruit of the Kingdom. When we steward covenant friendships with people of faith, we stay connected to a growing source of strength that often greatly determines our ability to persevere through difficult times.

It is no surprise to anyone that when you are going through a hard time it is nice to have a support system to encourage you along the way.  We are created for these kinds of relationships.  When you engage in covenant relationships you are strengthening yourself in the Lord because we are designed to love and be loved in the good times and the hard times.

A Lifestyle

Strengthening yourself in the Lord is not a one-off task; it is a lifestyle of never letting anything get bigger than your consciousness of God’s presence.  The practical step when you encounter a negative experience is to do whatever you need to do in order to realign with who God is and what He is thinking.  That may be meditating on His character and nature, keeping the testimony, practicing gratitude and thankfulness, meditating on your identity, or engaging with covenant community.  You can’t just know in your head that God is bigger than the problem; you have to have your entire being in a position where you are aware of His presence and expect His world to invade your life and circumstances.  If you don’t sustain this expectation, you will expect other forces to be the prime movers in your life, and you will begin to live defensively instead of offensively.

Promises, Promises

The greatest places of lack or disconnect in our lives are the very places where God intends to bring us into our greatest victories – if we will take the risk to step out on our promises.

Strengthening yourself in the Lord is all about being prepared to receive and steward the fulfillment of our promises.  What are the promises that God has spoken into your life?

It is worth getting your hopes up… value the day of small beginnings so that you can celebrate how far you have come from those beginnings.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9

Discover Your Values

Aristotle believed there were a set of core values that should manifest themselves in the behavior of all human beings.  These were courage, honesty, friendliness, wittiness, rationality in judgement, mutually beneficial friendships and the pursuit of knowledge and truth. Similarly, Benjamin Franklin developed a system for living his core values as a young man in seeking moral perfection.  He developed a list of thirteen virtues he wanted to follow:

1. Temperance - Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. Silence - Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. Order - Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. Resolution - Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. Frugality - Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. Industry - Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off al unnecessary actions.
7. Sincerity - Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. Justice - Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. Moderation - Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. Cleanliness - Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
11. Tranquility - Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. Chastity - Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
13. Humility - Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Identifying Your Values

What do you value?  Is it friendship, integrity, physical health, compassion, supernatural power, flexibility, economic freedom, intimacy with God?  There are thousands of values but, most likely, you are currently living your life according to about 5-8 core values.

Take a moment and write down 5 things that you value.  Sometimes it is difficult to figure out what your values are, so try the following exercise:

One way to discover your own values is to examine where you spend your time over the course of a week, and then ask yourself why you spend your time there.

For example (168 hours in a week):

40 hours - work as Executive Assistant - Why? Economic Freedom
3 hours - church - Why? Friendship/Community & Intimacy with God
10 hours - worship/prayer/meditation - Why? Intimacy with God
8 - 10 hours - social activities with friends - Why? Friendship/Community
10 - 12 hours - reading (fiction, and personal development) - Why? Personal Development, Growth, Entertainment
8 hours - exercise - Why? Physical Health
50 hours - sleep - Why? Physical Health
5 hours - class - Why? Personal Development
~ 50 hours - miscellaneous tasks (i.e. getting ready for day, driving, cooking, eating)

Alternatively you could ask yourself how you spend your money, reflecting on the saying "You put your money where your heart is."  Where do you invest your time, energy, and money?  By asking yourself WHY you invest in such a way will give you insight as to what you truly value.

Now that you have your values listed in front of you, reflect on what this list means in your life? These are the foundation of your life.  It is the core driving force behind everything you do.  You make decisions in your life based on this list.  You may not be aware that you make decisions based on this list but you do.  Look at your life, everything that you have created has been built upon these values.

When we make decisions that are not based on our values, we either don't achieve the outcome of a decision or we feel intuitively not right.  Some of the time we try and ignore or suppress this feeling, going into denial.  When we do this, we feel out of alignment and it feels like the very foundation of who we are starts to shake.  We are now on rocky ground and the energy around what we do is weak and we feel very uncertain.

To live in a strong supported way we must live by our values.  You cannot have a house without a foundation.  If you think of your values as the core of who you are sitting deep within you, then your thoughts are the products of these values.  Your values rise up into thoughts and you then play out these thoughts through your actions.  This is sometimes done consciously and sometimes subconsciously.  To build a stronger foundation it is really important that you know what your foundation is built on.  Know your values, dig deep within you to uncover them if they don't appear easily.  Think about your actions, the life you are living, the decisions you make to get to where you are.  What guiding principles do you live by that create the choices you make?

__________
References:
(1) Values & Life Purpose Module, International Coaching Academy 2012.
(2) Benjamin Franklin's Thirteen Virtues, Bigg Success.

Fake it Till You Make it

I'm sure we've all heard the saying before, "Fake it until you make it." But is it really a viable option in seeing breakthrough in your goals and desires? How many times do we wake up in the morning not feeling motivated to move forward, let alone get out of bed? How often does feeling rejection discourage us from pursuing the dreams in our heart? How about when the people who's opinion we value most tell us we don't have what it takes? Irregardless of these experiences, in the right context, "faking it until you make it" is valuable and somewhat essential in seeing your dreams and goals accomplished.

I want to establish that "faking it" begins in our own minds, established through our words, and then flows into our experiences. This is what I want to focus on as you move forward in pursuing your dreams. Let's begin with some insight the Bible has about our thoughts:

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Cor 10:4-5)

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. (Ephesians 6:12-14)

The Bible makes it pretty clear that the battles and challenges we face in this world are not battles in the physical world around us, but battles against speculations, and thoughts that are elevated above God's true thoughts about who He is and His thoughts towards us. Our belt of truth is defined by Him and the body armor of God's righteousness is bestowed on us through the death and resurrection of Jesus. We are created to take an active roll in capturing thoughts that are counter to who God is and who we are, and submit them to the obedience of Christ (the finished work that He established through the cross and resurrection).

I want to define really quickly what the finished work of the cross accomplished:

I am dead to sin and have a victorious DNA in me (Romans 6:11; Romans 5:17).
In Jesus, I am 100% loved and worthy to experience all of God's blessings (Colossians 1:12-15).
God richly supplies all my needs (Phillipians 4:19).
My prayers are powerful and effective (2 Corinthians 5:21; James 5:16b).
I walk in ever-increasing health (Isaiah 53:3-5; Psalm 103:1-5).
I live under a supernatural protection (Psalm 91, Hebrews 8:6).
I prosper in all my relationships (Luke 2:52).
I consistently bring God encounters to other people (Mark 16:17, 18; Acts 3:6).

This sounds pretty amazing right!? Well, on some days our emotions and circumstances don't always align with the truth about who we are and our relationship to God. Really it comes down to the fact that we don't FEEL like these things are true about ourselves and God.

A while ago I heard Steve Backlund share this thought:

"Any area of my life that is not glistening with hope is an area that I am believing a lie."

The reality is we are created to live an abundant life! God is all-powerful, all-loving, and in a good mood! While we are battling against principalities and powers throwing garbage into our minds about God and ourselves, we truly have been made new and walk in the same (and even greater, according to Jesus) supernatural power that Jesus did when He walked the earth. Why is it then so difficult to maintain this perspective on life and circumstances when we experience difficulty?

Ever since we were born we have been training our minds. In a way, through our experiences, choices and establishing patterns of behavior, we have "hard-wired" our brains to respond to situations and circumstances without even thinking most of the time. For instance, someone may have a stressful day at work where their boss really put them down, their instinct is to go and have a few drinks in order to relax, while at the bar they meet a person they are attracted to, and looking for love and acceptance (because they didn't get affirmation from their boss), they go and sleep with that person, and wake up the next morning completely regretting their choices. Granted every person's wiring is different, but these patterns of behavior are often rooted in experiences when we felt pain and insecurity as children and never sought out healing for that pain. We numb ourselves so that we can function and, in many cases, survive because we have been ill equipped to know what to do with our suffering.

It is in our original design to have the most core parts of our heart be synchronized. A person is made up of three distinct core parts, functional, emotional and protector. According to Andrew Murray, the functional part of a person is the task master who believes that knowing or facing certain information about one’s past is incompatible with survival and functioning. The emotional part is most often associated with and connected to pain, depression, and negative emotions from past experiences. The protector part believes that function and emotional parts must be kept apart or the function part would be too overwhelmed to function. Therefore, protector is devoted to keeping them apart. We won't go into a lot more detail in this blog about these three parts, but I wanted to lay the foundation for how "faking it until you make it" can be done in a healthy way.

So we've established that every area of our lives should be glistening with hope. This is what motivates us to move forward in pursuing our goals and dreams. There are a few issues we face when we aren't resting in that glistening hope. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." So when we are missing out on that hope, our heart is sick. We become hopeless and unmotivated to go after our dreams. In referencing the core parts of a person, there are three options for how a person can respond to this deferred hope:

1) The functional self takes over and the emotions are numbed. This sounds like a great idea, and at times this is necessary to do (I think of paramedics that come onto a scene where a child is severely injured), but you cannot selectively numb emotions. The problem that occurs is that in the midst of numbing the negative emotions we also numb the positive ones, which ultimately leads to burnout and establishing really unhealthy behaviors, such as addiction, projecting on other people, or any number of other behaviors that substitute dealing with the pain that was experienced.

2) The emotional self takes over and emotions run wild. I'm sure you've met people in your life who seem like they are on an eternal emotional roller coaster blown about by the day's events and don't seem empowered to do anything about their circumstances.

3) The third option is to introduce Jesus to those negative emotions so that the functional and emotional self can meet in a healthy balance in order to move forward without the lies that are established in those negative experiences. Letting Jesus be the protector in your life.

This leads us to faking it while you make it. There have been events in your life that established lies in your thinking about God and yourself; thinking you have to protect yourself and make up for the lack in your life. The reality is, you are incapable of protecting yourself (while still living abundantly) and you have been made whole through the work of Jesus. The lies established through your experiences need to be uprooted and replaced with truth. So how do we do that?

First, when you are experiencing a lack of glistening hope, immediately go to God to ask Him the lie you are believing. Ask Him how that lie got established in your thinking, and then ask Him what the truth is about who He is and who you are even in the midst of the experience that established those lies. By doing this first, you avoid going through the motions of the functional side and actually deal with the root issue.

Second, begin to fake it until you make it. Now that the root issue has been addressed and God has spoken the truth about Himself and you, hold firmly to that truth whether you feel it or not. Speak out the truths He has revealed about you. The power of the tongue can bring death or life to you and the people around you (Proverbs 18:21). James 3:2-5 says, "Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire."

Because your mind has been going through the same patterns of behavior and thinking for quite some time, a re-wiring/renewing of your brain/mind has to take place. Even the Bible acknowledges the active renewing of your mind: Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God - what is good and well-pleasing and perfect [these are your dreams!]. (Romans 12:2)

By speaking out declarations (as you do the possible even if it feels like you are faking it), God will begin to do the impossible, and you will begin to feel AND experience the truth about the glistening hope that is resident in and throughout your life.

For a list of some great daily declarations go to: http://ignitinghope.com/declarations/

In addition to words, here is an interesting TED Talk about how body language not only affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves:

Coming Soon!